Reid just called me to pick up a shift for him.

I’m really excited, actually. Maybe because I’m moody and I need something to occupy me. That and it’s my first real shift. I also need to talk to manager about my paycheck. For some reason I only got 20 bucks for working around 11 hours the last two weeks…I’m really frustrated because I was depending on that money to go shopping with Jimmy this weekend.

On top of not having that money, I had to get a new debit card because they canceled my other one without telling me. I don’t remember if I mentioned that whole issue a couple weeks ago, but I got something online and I only authorized a $2 charge and they charged me 80 bucks. So that hasn’t arrived yet so I don’t have access to that money either. It’s really goddamn frustrating. He keeps saying I can borrow his money, but I really don’t want to. It makes me feel like I’m using him. And it gives him more fodder to tease me with.

Speaking of which…we were planning since last week to have this big huge shopping spree this weekend because there were so many things I wanted and I knew I was getting paid. Or I should’ve been paid. I was supposed to go stay the night last night, but then his friends wanted to hang out last night and today. So I guess I kinda got pushed to Sunday. That sounds bad… I think I’m more bothered by the fact that I was so excited for this weekend and I did all my homework in advance for it, made sure everything was all set, I’m on my period so I’m extra moody and needed it and then his friends decided he was hanging with them spontaneously out of nowhere. Seriously. Like 10pm an hour right before he got off work when I had been waiting since 10AM for him to get off work. 

At the same time its nothing new to me. A lot of people cancel plans on me at the last second so I shouldn’t be bothered about it. Also, Shawn made me feel like I was clingy by straight up telling me or just going to hang out with his friends without telling me or lying to me and saying he was running errands when he was really with his friends so I worry that I’m doing it again and I don’t want to do that.  I seriously had a panic attack when I started thinking about it. I don’t argue about it when someone has to choose between me and another person. 

…I guess its better to cry about it now than at work. 

It’s weird.

Knowing that you no longer know someone that you used to know better than anyone else did. 

I don’t really know how to feel about it. So are they just dead and gone or are they just buried in there and it’s gonna take a helluva lot to get them to come back out? 

Woke up this morning to this.

Sitting around the house in my bra and panties.

This is the third downpour I have been caught in in the last what…maybe 2 months? WTF MINNESOTA. I’m pretty sure it never rained this hard or this often before. »;; SIGHHH

I hate how I could be crying myself to sleep at night and you’d be in your bed, maybe with your attention whore completely content. I’m thinking about you and you’re thinking of her. I don’t think you deserve the happiness that you have now. You got it all through luck and somewhere in me I’m hoping karma serves you exactly what you deserve cause you’ve been getting it so easy. And yet I’m still conflicted. I want you to be happy, but I want you to hurt at the same time. I want you to know how much you hurt me and how handicapped I feel now. But at the same time I know you’ll never know cause I’ll never let on that you’ve affected me that way cause I just care so goddamn much about you that I want you to be able to skirt any guilt towards me and be happily ignorant. 

Joan liked my angry panda picture…

Why is it that even if she’s still somewhat interacting with me it still feels like I did something wrong? Seriously, my first reaction was “She liked my picture. WHAT DID I DO NOW?”

Of course AFTER I eat very little of it, I crave it.

Mmm…that cornbread cake thing…andddd the chips and salsas and dips and the fajitas unf

Fuck me. I want more food, but I’m supposed to have an appetite for work.

There’s so many things I’m supposed to update about…I don’t know why, but blogging is an effort for me lately. 

Started school again on Monday. It wasn’t terrible, but still. Who wants to sit through Calculus for 2 hours at 7:45 in the morning? The professor is decent though. I just hate the material. Today we had a group work quiz, but my partner ended up doing all the work because she just went really fast and seemed to know what she was doing. Although I was a bit…hesitant trusting her with all the answers. In class she likes to blurt stuff out and she usually ends up being a little off… The homework is really annoying too. Lots of decimals plus its online which I completely detest. It doesn’t motivate me to to do the homework and there’s lots of room for error when I have to copy from screen to paper. That was the issue yesterday…So now I’m a little behind.

Had my first Ethics class today. I actually really liked it although it’s more interactive than lecture-based which is a little annoying, but at least I’m sitting near people who actually talk. Although one of the guys was really low and mumbly so I couln’t hear what he was saying. He said something to me at the end of class today and I just kind of smiled awkwardly and nodded… Also, there’s no textbook which I guess is good because it saves money, but that means readings are online which we all know I have trouble with. He also gave us an essay today that’s due on Thursday, but it’s only supposed to be one page long which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but I always get suspicious about these sorts of things because I don’t know if they want us to organize it as a traditional essay with the opening, thesis, 3 body paragraphs and conclusion. Otherwise I just sort of ramble to answer the question. What I think is unique about this class is that he WANTS us to bring a book to class to read. So I’ll actually bring Battle Royale cause I’ve been borrowing that from Heather for evers. 

Fuck I need to stop eating. I ate half a bowl of noodles and then I absentmindedly started to munch on the Goldfish in my room. orz I already feel full. This isn’t good. I have a food class at Don Pablos’ today and I’m supposed to be hungry so I can actually taste the food. I wonder if its just going to be me today or if other people who got hired will be there…I’m actually not sure if they hired anyone else around this time period. 

I feel like I bother him a lot lately…